What you’re about to read is my message to my wife a couple of hours ago. I don’t know if sharing this can help anyone else out there. I’m just trying to stay honest here…
Here’s the setting. I wake up, it’s 2am. I realize that my wife is not home. She was having dinner with friends earlier this evening. No messages on my phone, so I freak out… bla bla bla!
Can I handle this by being more mindful?
Here goes nothing :
We had a fight one month ago.
It was about the fact that I freak out when I wake up at two o’clock in the morning and I find that you (my wife) is not in the bed next to me.
When realizing that there’s no messages from you anywhere I start getting small symptoms of panic. Feelings of jealousy, fear and anger starts to surface. It comes in that order!
I try to reason with myself and I tell myself that everything is alright.
I decide to give you a call, no answer. Next strategy is to send you a message and I’m going to be honest to you. By this point I’m struggling to stay calm.
Thinking to myself :
– 15 years I’ve been with this woman and I have never seen this behavior before. What if something has happened? Is there someone else?
No answers on either text messages or Facebook messenger. BPM right now is around 120. Not really sweating yet but I’m getting warmed up.
So I give you another call 25-30 minutes later (02:30am). Still no answer. This is where I reach the limit. Right here’s how far my self development studies and meditations has taken me. I’m now officially a caveman!
Let’s breath and why not read a quote while doing so :
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again & expecting different results” – Albert Einstein
What I’m trying to say is that, we’re not going to have this fight one more time.
So when you finally did come home, I was relieved! I didn’t look at you because I was afraid that we we’re going to get into an argument. I decided go for a walk instead. The caveman version of me is not good at talking about feelings. We both know that by now!
What did I figure out while walking?
1. I want you to be happy. You’re happy when you’re with your friends.
2. I like to have time for myself. Your nights out with the girls are perfect for that.
3. I’m constantly working on becoming more mindful and less of a caveman/jerk. I got upset tonight, but that’s okay. At least I didn’t take it out on you. It’s a work in progress!
Here’s what I would like to try in the future. It might sound strange to you but please know that these ideas are not mine. They we’re thought out and approved by guys that are much smarter than me :
What if we did the opposite?
Last time we clashed about this topic I used my loud voice, angry eyes and I laid out my caveman rules. I tried to change you with something similar to “management by fear”. I was desperately trying to avoid the pain.
This time, why don’t we try to change me? I’m thinking that it’s time to face the pain.
Let’s try this approach in the future :
You’re not allowed to tell me what time you will be home. (Then I can’t get upset at you for being late).
No messages on social medias or text are allowed. (This will be the perfect stoic exercise for me!)
I don’t need to know where you are. (We will talk about it tomorrow when we wake up!)
Let me follow this up with another quote :
“there’s a crack in everything that’s how the light gets in” – Leonard Cohen
You and I have been friends and lovers for over 15 years. When we separately do what we love and miss each other just a little bit. That’s when we glow.
When we spend to much time together we act like an old grumpy couple. We’re still much too young to go there, let’s choose life instead!
I want you to feel free. Because what you feel… I feel!
Finally I want to tell you that I look up to you, I trust you and I love you!
So there you go folks. I still haven’t received an answer from my wife who is still asleep in our bedroom. I’ve been up since 2am putting this article together.
Now it’s time to hit the gym! See you tomorrow? Let me know what you think, leave a comment!
PS. Want to know more about Welcome to Insight you can check out my “Now” page.