I’ve given myself a year to work on myself, to breath, meditate, analyze and let change happen. There are a lot of feelings involved in a challenge like this. One that I’ve been working on lately is the feeling of guilt. From the day I was a little boy I have been taught that a man should work hard for his living.
It’s not like I’m doing nothing, I am writing and I am studying a lot these days. If Welcome to Insight would’ve been my job, then I’d say that I work 90% of my waking hours. But it’s not work when you love what you do and funny enough that’s the part that I catch myself feeling guilty about.
I’ve programmed myself by thinking that studies and hard work always comes with a certain amount of pain. My pain has been the measuring stick for how manly I am in the moment. Like a masochist I’ve been rewarding myself with cigarettes and alcohol, to numb this pain that I’ve now come to realize was totally self inflicted.
Selling everything and moving to another country also means getting rid of your old friends and getting away from your family. The thing I’m doing right now wouldn’t have been possible for me back home. There would’ve been too many unwritten rules from friends, family, colleagues and the community. This is my opportunity to become me from the inside out. The one that I really am, not the guy trying to impress people with how much pain he can endure. This insight makes me vibrating of excitement and I’m not going to feel guilty no more. The guilt is something that the old me used to carry around whit him. It is just another shade of that pain I’ve been talking about.
I want you to do this with me :
Right now I’m closing my eyes. I’m taking a deep breath, I hold it in for five long seconds as I concentrate on that guilt. and as I’m now exhaling hard and loudly all that guilt leaves my body and it will never be allowed inside of me again.
Good bye old friend, we will never meet again!
The revolution starts on the inside!